


Meltdown

by friendoftheearth



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:23:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendoftheearth/pseuds/friendoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Tragedy strikes...<br/>Jackson helps Aaron face his grief.<br/>Written in 2013</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Meltdown

Part 1

Aaron yawned then rubbed his aching head. He and Jackson had been out on the lash the night before, and he was suffering for his sins now. He would have been alright if he'd had a few more hours kip, he'd have slept it off, but no, no lie in for him this morning. He had promised Cain he'd put a few hours in at the garage, catch up on the backlog of work they had there. He was sorry he'd said he'd do it now though, still he'd get double time for working a Saturday. The extra money would come in handy, it always did. Jackson had got up with him; he was, for some reason, minus a headache. The two of them had joined Paddy at the breakfast table; the older man was on call and was readying himself for what looked to be a busy day.

"I've already got five farm visits booked," Paddy said in between sipping on his tea, "one of them at Butler's. Adam's having problems with that bull they've just bought; apparently, he's not 'performing'."

"Performing?" a fuzzy headed Aaron queried, trying to stifle another yawn as he did so.

Jackson rolled his eyes then grinned wickedly at his boyfriend, "Yeah, you know, 'performing', something I couldn't do either, not if I had an audience."

"Oh!" The penny having finally dropped, Aaron shifted uncomfortably in his chair, a comment even remotely connected to his sex life, made in front of Paddy, left him squirming. He knew he could tell Paddy anything but for some reason he got a little embarrassed when it came to any mention of that side of things.

Paddy was too distracted with thoughts of his busy day to notice Aaron's discomfort, his mind now having moved on to something else, "What do you say to spag bol?"

Aaron shrugged, "Hello spag bol!"

Paddy chuckled at his friend's attempt at humour, it wasn't half-bad considering he had a hangover. "I meant for tea! I'll pick the stuff up on the way home..."

"I can do that," Jackson offered, "I've got nothing else to do today, I'll have it ready for whenever you get home."

"That'll be great, thanks." Paddy was more than pleased with that idea; it was one job he could cross off his list.

"My pleasure," Jackson insisted. He spent most of his free time at the Smithy these days, Paddy had made him very welcome, made him feel like a member of the family, but he rarely got chance to do anything to show his appreciation, this was one way of doing so.

"Right," Paddy said getting to his feet, "I'd best be off. You, behave!" Paddy had addressed that last comment to Aaron, patting his head affectionately as he did so. For some reason, he'd had the urge to ruffle his hair but there wasn't enough growth to do that.

"Don't I always!" Aaron stared after the older man, a little bemused by his words and gesture.

With Paddy having made a start on his working day, Jackson decided Aaron was in need of some encouragement to get on with his, "Right, you, upstairs."

"What? Now? I've got to get to work."

"I meant to get ready for work ... mind you… the house is empty and you always 'perform' better if you think no one can hear."

Aaron realised that this was one of Jackson's good-natured windups; and despite the thundering behind his temples, he took the teasing as it was intended and grinned back across the table at him. There was a time when he'd have taken it the wrong way, when he'd have been offended, when he just wouldn't have been able to see the funny side, but he was different now, so very different.

/

Jackson had pottered around the house, made himself useful. The place was clean and tidy but with both Aaron and Paddy working full time, there was a lot they didn't get around to doing. He didn't mind helping out, and it would help fill the hours while Aaron was at work. He was just waiting for the washing machine to finish, then he'd hang it out on the line. That done, he intended going into town, drop by at his flat, let his flat mate know he was still in the land of living. On the way back, he'd stop at one of the superstores that skirted Hotton, buy what he needed for their evening meal. David's shop was ok, he supposed, handy when you ran out of sugar or tea, but you couldn't do a sizable shop there, it lacked choice and could prove expensive. The trip into town would pass another hour or so and once back, he'd go call on Aaron, see how he was getting on and when he was likely to finish. He was missing him.

The washing machine was bleeping, alerting him to the end of its cycle. Setting down his mug of tea, he started to empty the machine, the first thing to hand a pair of Aaron's jeans, the ones he'd wore to go out the previous evening, the ones he'd helped him out of on getting home!

They'd had a good night and it had got even better once they'd closed their bedroom door. He sighed contentedly, acknowledging that as great as their sex life was, it wasn't that that made their relationship special, there was a connection, an emotional bond, and that bond was getting stronger and deeper every day. He wasn't one to bandy the L word about, it wasn't a word he used lightly, but he realised, where Aaron was concerned, that it really was love, that over the course of the last few months, he'd well and truly fallen in love.

With the contents of the washer now heaped in the wash basket, he made his way outside. Paddy was on yet another economy drive so the dryer was out of bounds on a fine day, and it just happened to be a warm spring day. Job done, his gaze was drawn to Aaron's jeans, and to what was hanging next to them… a pair of his own jeans. The sight of them side by side blowing in the breeze made him smile… he really was in love, wasn't he? It had turned him all soppy! There was nowt wrong with that though, was there? Truth was he'd never been so happy, so content with life. Yeah, life was good…

The house phone was ringing, breaking into his reverie. Thinking it was some client of Paddy's, he hurried back inside to take the call.

"Hi… no, it's Jackson, Aaron's at... what?"

Jackson was having trouble understanding what Moira was saying, she was distressed, her voice quivering with emotion. Her words left him shocked, stunned, momentarily speechless. He couldn't take her news in, he certainly didn't want to believe it. As he replaced the handset, he closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. He needed to be in control, he needed to be strong... Aaron was going to need him.

/

It was just after eleven, was that really all it was? He was clock-watching, checking his phone regularly to find out the time… and time was dragging by despite his workload. Knowing Jackson was at his made it hard to concentrate, he wanted to be with him, he wanted to see him, talk to him… touch him… kiss him… his head was full of him, it always was these days. He liked the way Jackson teased him, he liked the way he smiled at him, he liked watching him sleep, he liked waking up with him, he liked the way he made him feel inside… he liked everything about him. Liked? More than liked!

He had to stop this daydreaming, if Cain caught, him he'd dock his wages, even worse, tease him about it! And come to think of it, where was Cain? He'd been gone ages, how long did it take to buy a bacon butty?

Hearing footsteps, he turned around, was all ready to say 'about time' to his uncle when he realised he wasn't alone, that Jackson was with him.

He was pleased to see him but it wasn't knocking off time yet, and Cain was bound to remind him of that. He stood watching the two men approach, and began to feel uneasy. Something was wrong, their faces told him that much. They looked so serious, and Jackson, he was pale, ill-looking.

"What is it? What's happened?" Aaron knew something had.

"Aaron, let's go next door." Jackson didn't want to tell him here, he needed to get him someplace more suitable before breaking the terrible news to him.

"Why?"

"There's something I need to tell you and..."

"Tell me then."

"Not here, come on to Cain's..."

"No!" Aaron realised that whatever it was, he wasn't going to like it, and he'd rather know what it was now than prolong the agony.

Jackson glanced at Cain, the older man nodding his head slightly as if giving the go ahead for something.

"It's Paddy."

"What about him?"

"There's been an accident, up at Butler's."

"An accident! You're telling me he's hurt? Well how bad?"

"Aaron I'm so sorry, he's... Paddy's dead!"

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Meltdown

Part 2

Jackson didn't particularly like Cain, in the time he'd known him he hadn't found all that much to like. But they did have one very important thing in common, and that was Aaron. They both cared about him, they both loved him.

That was why he was relieved to see the older man coming out of the café, and after getting his attention had quietly told him about Paddy. Cain had been visibly shocked by the news, but had quickly recovered, Aaron being his priority. Like him, Cain knew it was Aaron who was going to be affected by Paddy's death the most. They briefly discussed telling him, deciding the garage forecourt wasn't the place to do it, that it should be done in private.

He'd tried to persuade him to step the few feet over to Debbie's, but there was no way Aaron was going to comply, so out in the open, with people and cars passing by, he was forced to tell him the awful truth, something he knew would break his heart.

Jackson wasn't sure how Aaron would react, had told himself to be ready for anything and he thought he was. When Aaron had just stood there looking through him, he thought it was down to shock. He was just about to take hold of his arm and steer him next door, intent on sitting him down and getting some sweet tea into him. But then Aaron's gaze suddenly moved past him to road, a split second later he started walking towards it.

"Aaron? Where're you going?" Jackson asked moving to block his boyfriend's way.

Aaron eyed Jackson incredulously; did he really need to ask? "I want to see Paddy."

"No," Jackson said as he gently but firmly took hold of Aaron's forearms. "No, they won't let you see him, not yet. Moira said the police are up there, that…"

Aaron shook his head, the cops weren't going to stop him, and neither was Jackson, no one was. After shoving Jackson out of his way, he took off up the hill, running towards the farm. He kept telling himself that Paddy couldn't be dead, that there had to be some mistake, and by the time he got there they'd have realised that.

As fast a runner as Jackson was, he just couldn't catch up with Aaron, and Cain was lagging even further behind him. Both were worried about what Aaron might see, scared it would in some way compound his grief.

For a little while, he lost sight of Aaron but as he rounded a bend, he could see Aaron was now motionless, standing by the farm gate, 'Why?' That wouldn't have proved an obstacle to him.

His lungs were burning with the need for oxygen by the time he reached Aaron, his legs protesting just as painfully. But all that was forgotten when he realised what had stopped Aaron in his tracks, what was now holding his attention... a body bag was being lifted into the back of a coroner's van.

Knowing it was Paddy brought a lump to Jackson's throat, tears to his eyes, he'd become very close to Paddy, considered him a good mate... no he was more than a mate because of what he was to Aaron, and he was already feeling his loss. Pushing aside his own feelings, he turned to Aaron, he could only imagine how much he was hurting right now. He'd been expecting to see tears but no, Aaron was just looking on, and on seeing the vehicle's doors shut, turned on his heels and started walking back the way he'd come.

As Jackson made to go after him, Cain caught hold of his arm, "Best leave him. Give him some space."

Jackson didn't think that was such a good idea, even if it looked like it was what Aaron wanted right now. "He shouldn't be on his own." Surely, Cain could see that?

"Stay close to him; just don't get in his face. I'm going to stay up here for now, find out what happened. Aaron's going to want answers and we need to be ready with them."

Jackson had nodded his understanding and then followed on behind Aaron, relieved to see him walk in through The Smithy's front door. As he, too, crossed the threshold, he heard Aaron's bedroom door shut. That told him Aaron wanted to be left alone, and for now, at least he would respect his wishes.

Stepping into the kitchen, he slumped down into a chair, his legs had suddenly gone all weak on him. He'd never felt so helpless, so useless. He couldn't help Paddy and Aaron wasn't letting him help him. But he would, wouldn't he? When the initial shock had worn off, he'd let him in. Aaron needed him and he'd be right there when he realised just how much.

Hearing the front door open, Jackson looked in its direction, expecting to see Cain, but it was a tearful Pearl that stepped into the room. He got to his feet and walked towards her, wrapping her in his arms, trying to comfort her, feeling a little better for actually doing something.

Over the next half hour, the cottage began to fill up with family and friends, all emotional, all struggling with the news and asking why Paddy, of all people? They were all concerned for Aaron, they all knew what Paddy was to him, that the young man had just lost his dad.

With them all seated in the living room, sipping on tea and taking strength from each other, Jackson made his way upstairs. He wasn't surprised to find Aaron lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, but he was surprised to see that there was still no tears, no signs of any having fallen. It worried him, Aaron's tears fell freely whenever his emotions took a battering, and nothing could have hit him any harder than Paddy's death. It seemed he was keeping everything locked up inside and he knew that wasn't healthy, especially where Aaron was concerned.

After letting Aaron know who had called by and who was still downstairs, Jackson said, "Why don't you come down and talk to them, they all loved Paddy, they're hurting, too, talking to them or even just listening to them talk might help."

His words had been met by silence and so he trudged back downstairs. Over the next hour, he fielded numerous telephone calls. He hadn't been sure what to say to the police though. They'd been given Aaron's name as next of kin and because of the nature of Paddy's death, they wanted someone to officially identify the body.

Marlon, clearly devastated by the death of his best friend, had offered to do it or accompany Aaron if he felt up to going. Jackson was certain he would want to go, he'd wanted to see Paddy before but on asking him, he'd just rolled onto his side, turning his back on him, his way of telling him no. He was getting more and more concerned now, Aaron was closing himself off, shutting him out.

/

Early evening and Aaron was still ignoring everyone's attempts to talk to him. Chas, Zak and Cain had all tried. Like his mouth, he'd kept his eyes firmly closed, it was impossible to tell what was going on behind them, what thoughts were going through his head, how he was emotionally.

Cain had decided to tell him how Paddy had died, aware that the 'not knowing' the cause of such events could eat away at you. He'd not gone into any great detail, just given him the simple facts. Paddy had been examining a bull when it had suddenly and unexpectedly turned aggressive, it had somehow crushed him against a wall. Neither the Bartons nor the paramedics called to the scene had been able to revive him. Aaron hadn't responded in any way on hearing the information, maybe he hadn't heard it, maybe he hadn't wanted to or wasn't ready to and had blocked it out. But there would be no escaping it. As was normal in such cases, there was to be a police investigation, a coroner's inquiry. Jackson knew it would be a drawing out of the agony, and no matter the findings, Paddy would still be dead.

/

It was growing dark, getting late, just Jackson left downstairs, he'd assured everyone he'd be alright on his own, that he'd keep a close eye on Aaron. He was expecting him to fall asleep at some point, was hoping against hope that after some rest he'd be more responsive, be wanting to talk.

As he cleared the used mugs from the living room, he thought he heard the front door opening, but on returning to the kitchen, he found no one there. Certain he'd heard something, he ran up the stairs. Aaron's room was empty. With a jolt, he realised it was him he'd heard.

Once again, he found himself in hot pursuit, but by the time he'd reached the door, Aaron had disappeared into the night and he didn't know where to start looking for him.

Tugging his phone out from his pocket, he dialed Cain's number, letting him know the latest development, hoping he'd have some idea of where Aaron would have gone.

Cain had told him not to worry, that he'd probably just needed some air, and that he'd drive around looking for him. He told Jackson to stay put, so he'd be there when Aaron returned.

/

The farmhouse was lit up like a Christmas tree, and like a beacon, it drew Aaron towards it. The idea of knocking on its door didn't even enter his head, he just walked on in, into the warmth, into the cosy looking kitchen, and to the surprise of its occupants.

Moira gazed pale-faced at the young man, searching desperately for something to say, something to help ease his pain, but knew nothing would right now.

Adam jumped to his feet, he'd been wanting to see Aaron, but between the police and all the other red tape surrounding the incident, he'd not been able to leave the farm. He hadn't expected him to come up here but now that he had, he could say what he wanted to say. He knew what it was like to lose a father, he understood, "Aaron, I'm so sorry..."

/

Aaron stormed away from the farmhouse, anger coursing through his veins. He'd wanted to pound Adam into oblivion but his mother had been there, begging and pleading with him to stop. She'd been crying, grabbing hold of him, trying to pull him off Adam... he'd nearly hit her too, he'd wanted to! She was as much to blame as Adam was... but you didn't hit a woman, Zak had told him that and it was one of the very many things Paddy had drummed into him. They'd both better stay out of his way from now on, he wasn't going to forget what they'd done, what they'd let happen.

His mouth was so dry, he'd done a lot of shouting, arguing, he needed a drink... he needed more than one, and so was heading where they were in plentiful supply.

/

When the house phone started to ring, Jackson had expected to hear another voice offering condolences, but it was Moira's. She sounded as distressed as she had that morning, but for a very different reason. Aaron had been there, it seemed he blamed them for Paddy's death and had punched Adam repeatedly. Moira had assured him Adam would be ok and to her credit, despite the beating he's just handed out to her son, was concerned about Aaron, was wanting to let him know just how emotional a state he was in.

Jackson didn't think things could get any worse, but they just had! He immediately phoned Cain, moving to stand outside The Smithy as he did so. He was convinced Aaron would now head home, but he was still standing there waiting half an hour later, all hope of that fading.

Cain had turned his car around and headed up to the farm. Despite driving up and down all the nearby roads, he'd not found Aaron. He had eventually returned to The Smithy, ushering Jackson inside, assuring him that Aaron would show up when he was ready, that all they could do was sit it out

/

It was well after midnight and there was still no sign of Aaron. Jackson was worried sick about him, had been contemplating calling the police, but Cain had talked down that idea, saying Aaron had no respect for the police and that any contact with them would only inflame things.

As Cain set yet another mug of tea in front of Jackson, the young man's mobile started to ring. It was a mate of his wanting to know about his break-up with Aaron. The question had taken him aback and he'd wanted to know where he'd got such a ridiculous idea from. He hadn't liked the answer even if it did offer some relief. According to Cole, Aaron was at Bar West... snogging the face off some older man!

Cain had insisted on driving him there, saying he'd go inside and drag Aaron out of the club if he had to, but there'd been no need for that. Aaron and the other bloke were just walking out through the door as they arrived, or rather Aaron had stumbled through it. He was obviously the worse for drink, and further proof of that came just seconds later. Aaron didn't do public displays of affection, he was too reserved, but he was now in a heated clinch, his tongue down a stranger's throat. 'Why was he doing this?' Jackson asked himself, 'Was it helping ease his pain? Was it a comfort of some sort?' He was trying to understand his behaviour, trying to reason it out... but nothing would stop it from hurting.

Cain had parked the car as near as he could, telling him to leave Aaron to him, that he would deal with this. He'd offered no protest. Despite recent events, he wasn't sure he could keep his head, and so had just followed on behind the older man.

"Alright, come on, let's get you home," Cain said in a tone few would dare ignore. Aaron's 'friend', even though inebriated, certainly couldn't. He eyed him warily and asked "Who're you? His dad?"

"No, he's not," Aaron spat scathingly on seeing his uncle.

"That's alright then." Having now seemingly dismissed Cain's presence, the stranger went on to say, "Now, where're we going again? Yours or mine?"

"Yours... it's nearer," Aaron slurred, catching hold of the other man's hand, readying to walk down the street with him.

That was it! Jackson had seen and heard more than enough. He knew that if it wasn't for Cole's phone call, that if they hadn't gotten here when they did, Aaron would have ended up in this other bloke's bed. He was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing and would have little or no memory of what he'd done when he woke up the next morning! Jackson was prepared to do anything to stop Aaron doing something he would forever regret.

"The only place you're going is home, the only bed you'll be sleeping in is your own..." He'd wanted to add 'the one you've shared with me these past three months' but managed to hold back on those words, it wasn't about him, it was about Aaron. And right now, Aaron needed saving from himself.

Up until now, the 'other man' had been placid, but on hearing Jackson laying down the law, his temper erupted. He had no idea what was going on but he did know he didn't like it. He'd 'pulled' and not the normal bit of ruff he was used to, no Alan or whatever his name was, promised to be as hot as he looked, no one was getting in the way of that! Drink fueling his courage, he lashed out at the cause of his anger.

Jackson managed to deflect the blow and rein in his own temper, but that wasn't to be the end of the ugliness. All hell had then broken out, Aaron rounding on all three men, suddenly they were all the enemy, and he wanted nothing to do with any of them, telling them he didn't need them, that he didn't need anyone.

Cain's patience had started to wear thin and where Jackson wanted to try to reason with Aaron, Cain thought man-handling his nephew into the car was the only way they were ever going to get him home. But Cain's attempts to do so just infuriated Aaron, and he started lashing out, at them, at the inanimate objects around them.

They weren't the only people on the street, and it was only a matter of time before the show of violence was reported to the police.

Despite his pleas, despite his explanation as to why Aaron was in such a state, the officers had restrained him, handcuffed him, and arrested him for being drunk and disorderly. Jackson had to stand there and watch him being taken away, knowing he would now spend the night alone in a police cell!

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Meltdown

Part 3

Jackson had lain awake most of the night, wondering how it had all gone so very wrong, how they could have let Aaron down so badly... how he could have let Aaron down so badly... and he had.

He should never have left Aaron's side, not for one minute. That way, he could have stopped him going up to Butler's and taking his grief out on Adam, he could have stopped him getting bladdered and almost ending up in some stranger's bed... he could have stopped him being carted away in the back of a police van. He'd let Paddy down, too! The older man would have expected him to help Aaron through this awful time... but he'd been of no help to him at all.

What a day! What a unbelievably horrible day. Probably the worst day of his life... and it hadn't ended with the closing of the police van's door. No, he'd had a pop at Cain then, turned on him telling him it was all his fault. That his heavy-handed tactics were to blame, that some quiet reasoning might just have worked. Cain, equally as frustrated as he was, had snapped back, "Well, if you believe that then you don't know Aaron at all." That had hurt, that slap down had really stung because he'd realised there was perhaps some truth in it. Cain's retort had shut him up, cooled his courage and he'd turned around and walked away.

He hadn't gone very far when a car had pulled up beside him, Cain's. He'd been surprised to see him after their heated exchange. But there he was, telling him to get in the car. He, though, was still angry, still smarting and had told Cain, "I'd rather get a taxi." It wasn't just a case of him wanting to get away to lick his wounds, more the fact he hadn't thought the two of them in an enclosed space was a good idea, not with tensions running so high. Cain hadn't been prepared to take no for an answer and had thrown the door open, saying, "C'mon, I don't want to be having to worry about you, too."

After a moment's hesitation, he'd got down off his high horse and into Cain's car, the first few miles of the journey back to Emmerdale passing in a strained silence. Cain had eventually broken the ice with "I think whatever we'd have done, he'd have reacted badly. If he's scared or hurting, he'll either retreat into himself or lash out. So far, he's done both and managed to keep everyone at a safe distance."

Yeah, that was Aaron all right, or what he'd believed was the old Aaron, the troubled kid Paddy had taken in, the kid who, with a great deal of love and patience, Paddy had helped turn his life around. Aaron had learnt to trust Paddy and open up to him. Jackson thought that his and Aaron's relationship had got to the point that he trusted him in the same way too, and that he would feel able to turn to him when things got rough, when life played dirty. But after breaking the news to Aaron about Paddy, it was like he didn't exist, like he wasn't there, like there was nothing between the two of them... and just yesterday, he'd been basking in the idea that they were in love. Why hadn't Aaron turned to him?

Aaron had turned to something, though… alcohol, and in turn to someone he had absolutely no connection with. Any solace he found in them would be fleeting, and was likely to have done more harm than good. Aaron would realise that, wouldn't he?

Cain seemed to know what he was brooding over last night and had done his best to reassure him by saying, "That, back there, it meant nothing, he was off his head, he didn't know what he was doing. He cares too much about you to ever hurt you in that way."

Coming from a hard man like Cain, someone he'd always thought insensitive and crass… well, it had helped sooth his concerns. Cain knew Aaron well, worked alongside him daily, he would have an idea how he felt about him. Further proof of Cain's concern for his and Aaron's relationship came just seconds later when he said, "Don't let it come between you, don't give up on him."

He had no intentions of doing that and was surprised Cain thought he might, but then Cain didn't really know him, and he certainly didn't know that he'd so recently realised Aaron was 'the one' for him, the only one for him. He wasn't about to tell Cain that though, but he had wanted to reassure him about his determination to help Aaron deal with Paddy's death, "I know he's not in control of his emotions right now, that he's likely to explode or implode even. I want to help him through this, Cain... I just don't know how best to do that, how to reach him." Cain's reply had surprised him, "Something tells me you'll find a way." Cain suddenly seemed to have a great deal of faith in him, trust. Maybe he did know how he felt about Aaron.

Jackson had to admit to liking Cain a little more now. Ever since hearing about Paddy, he'd done what he thought was best for Aaron. He'd comforted Chas when she'd broken down and he was even looking out for him and his and Aaron's relationship. He really was grateful to him for all his help, for his support, for being there for him when he hadn't known which way to turn, and for swallowing his pride and coming after him last night, it can't have been easy for him. It was a difficult time for them all and falling out amongst themselves would only make things worse, it certainly wouldn't help Aaron. Cain knew that and was making sure they all stuck together, all pulled together.

After glancing at the bedside clock, he heaved a weary sigh, it was just after five, still too early to get up. It was really strange being in the Smithy alone. Paddy's room empty, Aaron not lying next to him in bed. He had thought about going back to the flat, but that didn't seem right either, someone needed to be here, someone needed to hold the fort. Not that there was much he could do in the dead of night except will morning to come.

He planned on picking Aaron up from the police station. According to Cain, he'd most likely be released first thing, six or sevenish... just as long as he'd sobered up. Just to be sure he'd be there in plenty of time, Jackson had phoned Hotton police, asked if they could let him know when they let Aaron go. The officer he spoke to had told him he would, under the circumstances. Thankfully, he was more understanding than the officers who'd arrested Aaron.

He didn't want to think about Aaron alone in a cell, but there was no stopping his thoughts from straying there. He liked to believe he'd sleep through the night, and that when he woke he'd somehow be more able to deal with what had happened. He knew he was clutching at straws, that it wasn't very likely, that Aaron would need more time, a lot more time. Well, he had all the time in the world where Aaron was concerned. Like Paddy, he would never give up on him, he would not allow him to self-destruct. He'd not handled things at all well yesterday but today would be different. He wasn't going to let Aaron down again.

/

God his head was hurting! And his stomach... that felt like it was turning in on itself. He felt rough, worse than rough... he felt ill, really ill... the 'not able to lift your head off the pillow' kind of ill. Not that he had a pillow, whatever his head was resting on felt more like a rock. He forced his eyes open on suddenly realising he wasn't in his own bed. Where the hell was he?

His gaze moved slowly around the room, squinting as daylight stabbed painfully at his eyes. It looked suspiciously like he was in a... but he couldn't be! Why would he be? What the hell had he done to get banged up in here?

He couldn't remember… and his head was aching too much to actually think too hard on the matter. But he had realised he wasn't ill ... he was just hung-over! What had he been drinking? He'd never felt this bad before. He never drank to excess, alcohol freed you of your inhibitions, and the thought of that scared him. He didn't like people looking at him, he didn't like being the centre of attention, he didn't like to be noticed… but he'd obviously got the polices attention. So what had he done? Got into a fight? No, he didn't do stupid things like that anymore, but then... holding his hands out to examine them he could see his knuckles bore the tell-tale signs of violence... he'd hit somebody alright! But who and why? Paddy was going to kill him, he'd come down on him like a ton of bricks, give him a right load of grief. Paddy would... Paddy? No! Suddenly, it all came flooding back to him. Paddy was dead!

He suddenly felt sick, the nausea quickly overwhelmed him, driving him up onto his feet, his stomach expelling its contents before he got to the door, but even when empty, he continued to retch, the painful spasms wracking his frame, adding to his misery.

He ended up on his hands and knees, physically drained, his insides churning, his thoughts in even greater turmoil. He kept seeing Jackson, he kept hearing him say Paddy was dead. He hadn't wanted to believe it then just like he didn't want to believe it now. But then he'd seen that… that thing, and knew in his heart that Paddy was inside it! He'd gone all cold then, a numbness spreading through him like ice water was seeping through his veins.

It was supposed to hurt, wasn't it, when someone you loved died? All he'd felt was empty inside… like he'd lost everything that made him who he was. It didn't make sense. Paddy dying didn't make sense, nothing made any sense.

All he knew was that he wanted to be left alone; he wanted, needed to make sense of it all.

Jackson had been there, he could remember him coming into his room. He kept checking on him, trying to talk to him… just like Paddy did when he was worried about him. But he'd ignored Jackson, he just didn't have the strength, the energy to speak, not even to him.

All he'd wanted to do was think about Paddy, he wanted to keep him alive in his head, and memories of him came effortlessly at first and he was able to hold onto him in that way. But then they began to fade, moving ever further out of his reach until he couldn't even remember what he looked like!

Then Cain was there, that's when he'd started to feel something, when he'd realised someone was to blame for Paddy dying. He knew that if it wasn't for them, Paddy would be alive, that he'd still be there, that he'd still have his friend… his father. He'd lost so much in losing Paddy, his strength, his wisdom… his love…

The anger had grown and intensified until something finally snapped inside. Before he knew it, he was up at Butler's, it was all a bit hazy except for the part where he confronted Adam! He'd got away lightly… it must have been him who called the police or maybe Moira had ... no, no he could remember going to Bar West. He'd had a few drinks there... he didn't have much money on him but then someone else had started to buy him lager... Jackson?

No it wasn't Jackson... Jackson wasn't there!

Oh god, what had he done?

He'd reverted to type, hadn't he? Paddy had been dead all of five minutes and he'd already slipped back into his old ways… hurting people, betraying them… letting them down.

He was feeling something else now, something he hadn't felt in a long time… it was another ugly emotion and once again it was directed at himself… hate!

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Meltdown

Part 4

Jackson's gaze was fixed on the police station's door. Considering how early it was, there had been plenty of comings and goings, but there was no sign of Aaron. The officer had told him to come for seven, he'd got here at quarter to, and it was now twenty past... where was he? He hadn't kicked off, had he? Got himself into more trouble? Jackson knew he shouldn't be thinking that way, thinking the worst of Aaron, but the way he'd been behaving, it was possible.

The door was opening again and Jackson peered even more intently at it, "Thank god!" He heaved a sigh of relief on seeing his boyfriend, but was soon hit by a wave of concern, the bowed head, the slumped shoulders told him Aaron was still in a bad place.

When it looked like Aaron wouldn't see him and just walk on past, Jackson opened the passenger side window and called his name, he hoped Aaron wouldn't need any more persuading than that to get in the van.

Jackson's voice had startled him, had jolted him out from his thoughts. He wasn't expecting anyone to be waiting outside for him, had been going to get a taxi, intent on cleaning himself up before he saw anyone. But now, he had to somehow face Jackson, and after what he could remember of last night, it wasn't going to be easy.

"You ok?" Jackson cringed on realising what he'd just said, of course Aaron wasn't ok, he was far from ok. He was grieving for Paddy, and considering how drunk he'd been the night before, was almost certainly suffering the hangover from hell this morning.

"What're you doing here?" Aaron asked quietly as he slipped into the seat beside Jackson, deliberately avoiding eye contact as he did so.

It wasn't the warmest of greetings but considering the silence and then the rage of yesterday, it was music to Jackson's ears. It had been made in a sheepish tone and, for some reason, that heartened Jackson a little and he replied softly, "Why do you think I'm here?" He'd been about to detail his reasons, was going to start by telling Aaron he was here because he cared so much about him, but Aaron was too quick with a reply, an indignant one.

"I could have found my own way home." He wasn't helpless, he wasn't a child, he could take care of himself.

"You couldn't last night." Jackson wanted Aaron to know he was aware of what had happened last night, but didn't think it would do any good to come right out and confront him with all the facts.

"Yeah, well, maybe I didn't want to go home last night!"

It wasn't so much anger as irritation in Aaron's voice, still it troubled Jackson, so too the statement, had he meant it or was he just lashing out again? Either way, he wasn't going to respond in kind, he was though determined to remind Aaron that he cared about him, "I was worried when you just took off..."

"I don't have to tell you my every move," Aaron snapped, this time pinning Jackson with an icy glare.

"No, but like I said, I was worried ..."

"Well, you don't have to worry about me."

"I care about, you so of course I'm going to worry about you..."

"Can we just get home?" Aaron really didn't want to hear that from Jackson right now, Jackson wouldn't be going to all this trouble if he knew what he'd done to Adam, about him getting 'friendly' with another man. Just how friendly, he didn't know, he could only remember so much, what happened after that point was all a blank. He had a very uneasy feeling about it though, a guilty feeling. It wasn't the only thing he didn't remember. The Duty Sergeant had told him he'd been drunk and disorderly but was being released without charge, he hadn't elaborated any further though and he hadn't asked for details, he didn't really want to know what he'd done to get arrested, had told himself it was better if he didn't know. It was one less thing on his conscience.

"Yeah, course we can." Jackson relented, he could well understand Aaron wanting to get home, he'd be wanting a shower for starters, he was certainly in need of one. After starting the engine and moving off into the morning traffic, Jackson glanced at Aaron. He found he'd closed his eyes, and his head was now leaning against the window, seemingly in an attempt to sleep. Jackson heaved a resolved sigh, he would let Aaron win this round, let him shut him out, the van wasn't the best place to talk anyway. But once he'd got Aaron home, once he was back amongst the familiar, once he was somewhere he felt safe, he would get him talking.

The following twenty minutes had passed in silence, and it had given Jackson time to think, to give himself a little pep talk. He was going to have to stand his ground, maybe even push Aaron into opening up, just like Paddy had done.

Aaron had tried not to think of anything, had tried to block all thoughts as he'd pretended to be asleep, but he hadn't been able to. His mind's eye kept replaying the moment he'd seen Paddy's body being taken away. Paddy deserved so much better than that. He shouldn't have died like that! He hoped to God that it had been quick, that he hadn't suffered… he couldn't bear to think of him in pain. Why hadn't Adam called him the second it had happened? He could have been there in no time at all, he could have done something, helped him in some way… he could have at least been with him when he died. When he thought of all the times Paddy had been there for him… and the one time Paddy had needed him, he hadn't been there. He'd let him down then… and in so many ways in the time since. Why had Paddy cared so much about him? He couldn't understand it. He was no good, a waste of space… his dad, his real dad had realised that and then washed his hands of him. Like everything else right now it just didn't make sense.

The van had just turned a corner and as he'd suspected, on opening his eyes, found they were in Emmerdale, Jackson now pulling up outside the Smithy. He didn't want Jackson around, not the mood he was in, so eyeing him steadily said, "You might as well go back to the flat, I'm going to take a shower then I'm going to bed for a bit." That sounded reasonable enough, didn't it? Jackson couldn't take exception to that.

Jackson stared silently at his boyfriend. Did Aaron really think he could get rid of him so easily? He waited until Aaron had got out of the van, then got out himself, walking around the vehicle to where Aaron was now standing, looking at him questioningly.

"Didn't you hear what I said?" Aaron demanded impatiently, why couldn't Jackson see he needed to be on his own.

"I heard you, but I'm needed here." With that, Jackson made for the front door, he knew Aaron would have more to say on the matter and out of respect for Paddy, he wasn't going to have such a 'discussion' where everyone could hear them. Aaron had followed him into the kitchen and so he turned around to face him, ready for his protests.

"I don't want you here!" Aaron spat angrily.

"You're grieving, you're not thinking clearly…"

"I just need some sleep…"

"No, you're pushing me away, Aaron, when you should be letting me in. You need me." Jackson said gentle, hoping to convince his boyfriend of that fact.

"No I don't. And I don't want you in my face."

"Go take a shower, I'll make you something to eat."

"I don't want anything, and I don't want you here, Jackson." How many times was he going to have to say it?

"Just some toast..."

"No."

"Aaron, you haven't eaten anything since..."

"I just told you, I don't want anything." Aaron's voice soared in exasperation. "Go home, will you, I don't want you here."

"So you keep saying. But the fact is, Aaron, you don't know what you want or need right now, I do. And I know Paddy would have wanted me here, he'd have wanted me here for you."

"Yeah, like you'd know what he'd have wanted. You barely knew him, he was nothing to you!"

"He was a good friend and more, I know how he felt about you, how much he loved you, I know he'd want me to help you through this."

"I don't need any help. I certainly don't need you!"

Jackson watched Aaron turn on his heels and make for the stairs, blowing out a shaky breath as he did so. He wasn't finding this easy, he hated confrontation and that was what the exchange, him standing his ground, had amounted to. He wasn't sure if Aaron retreating just now was a good or a bad thing but he couldn't help but feel relieved. As well as giving Aaron some time to calm down, it would allow him to muster some emotional strength... he was going to need it.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Meltdown

Part 5

Aaron felt better for having a shower, and not just cleaner, the wooly feeling in his head had cleared too. As he'd walked back to his room, his gaze had fallen on Paddy's bedroom, on the closed door. He felt drawn to it, but at the same time couldn't face going in there knowing Paddy wouldn't be there and never would be ever again. It was a horrible thought, one that would have brought on the tears for anyone else, but not to him. He still hadn't cried, he'd not shed one tear for Paddy. He wasn't normal, was he?

He'd cried over Clyde, he'd cried over a dog for God's sake, so why couldn't he cry for Paddy? He'd loved him, hadn't he? He had cared about him, worried about him… but maybe what he'd felt for him hadn't been love. He'd never really known what it meant, he knew what hate was, he'd felt plenty of that in his time, but love? Maybe he wasn't capable of feeling that emotion. He was supposedly in a relationship with Jackson, but last night he'd not given him a second thought. He'd been putting up with Cain teasing him for weeks, he'd been able to ignore the comments about him being 'all loved up', because he'd been happy with the way things were between them, more than happy and... and then he goes and does a thing like that. If he really cared about Jackson, he wouldn't have let that bloke buy him drinks, he would have made it clear he wasn't interested and why.

After pulling on some clean clothes, he peered out through his window. To his dismay, he saw Jackson's van was still parked outside. Why couldn't he just do what he asked? Why couldn't he just give him the space he needed right now?

As he stretched out on his bed, he heard footsteps on the stairs, and shook his head on hearing his door opening, Jackson just wouldn't give up. He could smell toast and knew Jackson was expecting him to eat it. He wasn't going to, he wasn't being difficult, he just didn't think he could keep anything down.

"C'mon, get it while it's hot."

"Jackson..."

"Please, Aaron."

He'd calmed down since taking the shower, the hot jets of water had helped ease some of the tension, had soothed his aching muscles. They also seemed to have washed some of the fight out of him, and Jackson's softly made plea drained him of what little was left. He just couldn't be bothered to protest anymore and so moved to sit at the side of the bed. After setting down the mug and plate of toast that he'd been carrying, Jackson sat down beside him.

Aaron felt Jackson's hand cover his, his fingers wrapping gently around his own. It felt good, the warmth, the closeness, the tenderness, but... "Don't", he heard himself say as he snatched his hand away and got to his feet. He'd been so off with Jackson before, downright nasty in fact, and he didn't understand why he would put up with it, why he was still here, "Don't be nice to me, Jackson, I don't deserve it!"

For a second there, Jackson had thought Aaron had accepted his presence, but he'd got that badly wrong. Aaron's words concerned him, why would he say that? "You don't deserve some understanding, some support?"

"Not from you."

Jackson suddenly had some idea where this had stemmed from, "This is about last night, isn't it? The drunken snog outside Bar West? It meant nothing, if I can put it behind me, so can you."

Aaron was horrified, his own recollections of his actions were sketchy to say the least, but Jackson had obviously witnessed them. "I'm sorry."

The sincerity in Aaron's voice was proof of just how sorry he was, "I know." Jackson didn't want Aaron beating himself up about it, wanted him to know that he was well aware that alcohol was to blame for his behaviour, "I'm surprised you can remember, you were so wasted."

"I don't, not really, I remember drinking... someone buying me drinks, that's about it." He would never have kissed another man if he'd been in his right mind, at least Jackson seemed accepting of that.

"We tried to persuade you to come home but you kicked off and..."

"We?"

"Me and Cain."

Aaron had no recollection of that at all. But he could guess what happened next, the police were always driving past the club, prepared for trouble, ready to nip it in the bud.

"Why didn't you come home to me, I mean after going up to Butlers, after beating up Adam?" Jackson wanted to tackle both issues but knew he had to be careful how he broached either one; he didn't want to say or do anything that would put a halt to the flow of dialogue now.

So Jackson knew about that too, of course he would, he'd been stupid to think word wouldn't get back to him on that score. Adam had had it coming, but he did, he suppose, owe Jackson some sort of explanation for not coming home. "I don't know, I was so angry I... when I get like that I... I need to be on my own."

Jackson wasn't so sure about that but he wasn't going to challenge Aaron on that point right now, he decided it could wait, unlike some things. "Adam's ok, he..."

Aaron's anger ignited instantaneously, "I don't give a fuck about Adam! Paddy's dead because of him."

Jackson had thought Aaron was regretting beating up Adam, just like he was regretting the other things he'd done last night, and was taken aback by the sudden show of rage, but he wasn't going to let it faze him, "Aaron, it wasn't Adam's fault, they did everything by the book, followed all the rules. You know Paddy was a stickler when it came to safety issues, but some things are beyond our control and..."

"I can't believe you're defending him." Just half an hour ago, Jackson had been telling him what good friends he and Paddy were; now he was trying to persuade him that Adam was in no way to blame for his death! But he was, he knew he was.

"That's just it, there's nothing to defend. I know why you're blaming him, you need a reason for Paddy dying, but Adam's not responsible..."

"You weren't there!"

"Neither were you," Jackson said gently. Aaron didn't have the benefit of eyewitness accounts, he hadn't spoken to the police about what had happened either, but he had, and he knew it had been an accident, one with heartbreaking consequences.

"Adam should have called me, I should have been there."

That there was another clue to what was going on in Aaron's head, not only was he blaming Adam, he was blaming himself for Paddy's death too. His mum had done the same when his grandfather had died unexpectedly, but she'd had to accept that there was nothing she or anyone else could have done to prevent it. Aaron needed to reach that point too but he wouldn't without talking about it. "Aaron, you need to talk about this, about what happened, about ..."

"I don't need to talk, Jackson; I just need to be left alone." His head was aching again, and he was tense, on edge, Jackson was pushing all the wrong buttons.

"So, all the grief, all the anger and pain you're feeling can stay bottled up inside? No, that's not the way to mourn someone. You need to talk about Paddy..."

"No!" He didn't need to talk about him, how was that going to help?

"Aaron..."

"Talking won't bring him back."

"No, of course it won't, but it will help you work through your grief..." Jackson paused, he'd just heard the front door opening, then Cain's voice had rung out. Could his timing have been any worse?

"Get rid of him." Aaron pleaded.

"He's worried about you."

"I don't need him in my face too, Jackson please, tell him I'm asleep or something, but get rid of him."

"Alright, but this conversation isn't over yet."

Leaving those words ringing in Aaron's ears, Jackson made his way downstairs, finding Cain in the kitchen.

"Is he here?"

"Yeah, sorry, I should have rung to let you know." Jackson had been too concerned about Aaron to think of much else.

"How is he?"

"His head's all over the place still."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No, he… well he's not wanting to talk to you right now." Jackson wasn't going to lie to Cain, he deserved better than that.

"Nowt new there then," Cain retorted before making for the front door. On reaching it, he turned to Jackson, "You know where I am if you need anything."

"Yeah, thanks, you know, for everything." He really was grateful to the other man, for all he'd done, for trusting him with Aaron now.

As the door closed behind Cain, the house phone started ringing. Jackson's first thought was to leave it and go straight back upstairs to Aaron, but then he'd remembered the veterinary agency was ringing back first thing this morning, hopefully having arranged a locum. It was one of the many practical things he'd had to deal with. Pearl was too upset to do it and Aaron wasn't up to it either.

/

Aaron had hovered at the top of the stairs, wanting to make sure Cain left. On hearing the front door shut, he breathed a sigh of relief, the last thing he needed was a 'talking to' from his uncle. He'd heard the phone and guessed it was what was keeping Jackson. Aaron knew it should be him answering the phone, dealing with things, he owed Paddy that much at least.

That thought had him turn to look at Paddy's bedroom door and, this time, he moved towards it. After a second or two of hesitation, he made his way inside.

It was a bright airy room, the weak spring sunshine filtering through the lace. It had a peaceful feel to it, a calming, reassuring feel. He inhaled deeply, getting a faint whiff of Paddy's aftershave, his heart lurching in his chest as he did so. For all too brief a moment, it was as if he was actually there.

He stepped a little further into the room, all the time thinking how tidy it was, what was that Paddy liked to say? Oh yeah, 'A place for everything and everything in its place.' Paddy wasn't obsessive about the house being in order but he did have standards. He'd never had to nag him about stuff like that though. Paddy had done him a huge favour taking him in and at first he'd been scared he'd change his mind, so he'd gone out of his way to keep in his good books. He'd really liked living here, he had his independence but also someone watching out for him, a steadying influence… a caring, loving presence. He didn't think he needed anyone but he'd been wrong because he'd soon found he needed Paddy... and it was only now he was realising just how much.

He opened the wardrobe doors, fingering the clothes hanging there, his attention slowly moving to one of the dresser drawers, he knew it was where Paddy kept things like cufflinks and watches, items he seldom used but treasured. He knew one of the watches in there was gold, and that it had belonged to Paddy's dad, he'd shown it him once, he'd worn it to go to some veterinary knees-up. The one he wore for everyday use had been a gift from his first wife, Mandy... another Dingle, a right gobby mare she was too by all accounts, even more so than his mam! They weren't the only Dingles he'd been involved with either, and not one of those relationships had lasted... they'd all taken him for a ride, they'd all trampled over his emotions, they'd all broken his heart. The only Dingle to really care about Paddy... was him. But then, he'd hurt him too, emotionally and physically... he was no better than them, was he?

As he pulled the drawer open, something immediately caught his eye, something he couldn't believe Paddy had kept. Set next to the gold watch was the poxy key ring he'd won in the arcade that time. The one he'd given Paddy for his birthday. He'd done something really nasty, had humiliated Paddy in front of all his friends. He'd thought it would be funny, he thought he'd enjoy seeing the big man squirm and he had for all of a second. But then he'd seen the hurt in Paddy's eyes, the disappointment, and he'd instantly regretted his actions, had deeply regretted hurting him in such a way. He'd wanted to somehow put it right and so had spent god knows how long trying to win this particular piece of crap. And it was crap, just a worthless combination of plastic and metal. But as worthless as it was, Paddy had been pleased with it, had recognized the thought that was behind it... and he'd kept it all this time… he'd kept the worthless bit of tat amongst his precious keepsakes!

A drop of moisture fell on to his hand and only then did he realise he was crying, that tears were now slipping down his cheeks. And just like the tears had come out of nowhere, so had the awful gnawing ache inside of him. Sensing someone behind him, he turned around and on seeing Jackson, voiced what was now tearing at his heart, "I never told him I loved him."

Jackson felt his heart constrict on hearing Aaron's words, on seeing his tear-filled eyes, "He knew," he insisted.

"I said some horrible things to him, spiteful, hurtful things but I never once told him I loved him!" Why hadn't he? He'd had plenty of chances, plenty of opportunities, like that time he'd beaten him up, Paddy had told him he loved him, Paddy could say those words to him even after what he'd done to him, but he couldn't say them back. He could never tell him he loved him now, not now he was...

Why Paddy? Why him? Why now? He needed him and Paddy knew that. That's why he'd taken him in, that's why he'd let him stay. Paddy had told him he could tell him anything, that he could go to him with any problem, that he would always... "He said he'd always be there for me!"

Jackson could hear the anguish in Aaron's voice, and sensed that the dam of emotions was about to burst. He thought himself prepared for when it did, was ready to wrap his arms around Aaron, hold him tight... but Aaron didn't break down like he was expecting him to, instead he turned around and started punching Paddy's wardrobe door, his anger now directed at Paddy.

He lunged at Aaron, grabbing hold of him from behind, wrestling him away from the focus of his rage. Aaron was soon fighting against him, trying desperately to escape his arms. From somewhere Jackson found the strength needed to restrain him, to hold onto him as he repeated over and over the words Aaron needed to hear, "You're not alone, you've got me."

Jackson wasn't sure if it was exhaustion or what he'd said that had caused Aaron to suddenly stop his struggling. Drained of all energy himself, he eased Aaron onto his knees, dropping down with him, keeping him in his arms, tightening his hold on hearing a sob escape Aaron's lips.

Aaron was soon crying freely, his grief at last flowing unhindered, Jackson knew it was just the beginning, that it would take some time for Aaron to come to terms with losing Paddy, but at least he was heading in the right direction now.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Meltdown

Part 6

Jackson cradled Aaron in his arms long after his tears had stopped falling, the younger man absorbing the comfort, the reassurance he found there.

When Aaron did finally speak, Jackson could tell something had changed, that he wasn't floundering anymore, that he wasn't running or trying to hide from his pain, that he was facing it head on.

"I want to see him. I want to see Paddy."

Jackson nodded his understanding, he thought it was something Aaron needed to do, that it would give him the opportunity to say the things he hadn't been able to before, "I'll ring and arrange a time."

"Will you come with me?"

"Yeah, of course I will." Jackson knew Aaron asking him was another good sign. Sensing that he was ready to open up a little, he eased them both into a more comfortable position, him sitting with his back to Paddy's bed, Aaron leaning in against his chest.

"He always put me first, no one else did, not me mam, not me dad, Paddy was different. That time mam left him for Carl, he told me I had to leave too. I knew it wasn't what he wanted, I could see it in his eyes. I thought I could talk him round but, when I couldn't get past the hurt, I panicked. I thought I'd lost everything, and I just wanted to get away from him, from them… away from all the hurt, so I packed some stuff, grabbed Clyde and took off.

"Paddy came looking for me, he spent hours tracking me down. See, I knew he cared about me... it wasn't just empty words with Paddy, he didn't just say it, he proved it. We came back here and he... he wanted two good reasons why he should let me 're-infest' his house." Aaron smiled at the memory even though it had caused another tear to trickle down his face. "I know it wouldn't have mattered what I said because I needed to be here, I needed him, and he knew that.

"My mam, she never really tried to understand me, how I felt, who I was, why I did the stupid things I did. Like when I messed up that time, and I know I messed up big tampering with the brakes on Carl's car. But I hadn't thought it through. I had to be made to see that and when I did, I tried to put it right. And I was sorry for what I'd done. I told them I was but it just wasn't enough. Then it was all about me giving Carl a chance, but I couldn't, not knowing what he was really like, and when she realised it was never going to happen, she turned on me. She made it clear Carl was the most important thing in her life. She said all I did was cause her grief, that I was on my own... and that she was glad to be rid of me. I knew then I was just a complication in her life, one she didn't have the time or the energy to deal with. But no matter the grief I caused Paddy, he never gave up on me, he stayed in my face until I saw sense, he stood by me, he loved me no matter what, and that's how it should be, isn't it?"

Jackson was well aware that where parents were concerned, that wasn't always the case but... "Yeah, that's how it should be."

"If it wasn't for him, I..." Aaron suddenly pulled away from Jackson's arms, sitting upright, turning to look at his boyfriend, "Jackson, there's things I should be doing, things I should be doing for him. The funeral, and there's the surgery, the house, Paddy's things..."

"You don't have to worry about all that right now." Yes, all those things did need doing but they could wait, Aaron needed this time with his memories of Paddy, he needed to talk about him. He tried to pull Aaron back into his arms but Aaron resisted.

"But they need sorting and who else is going to do it? I know Paddy's got cousins but he's not seen them in years. Maybe Marlon should do it? They were best friends, they were really close."

Aaron sounded like he was doubting his importance in Paddy's life, Jackson couldn't let that go unchecked, "So were you and Paddy. It was a very different kind of relationship to what they had, you were friends, but it had evolved into a lot more than that. Marlon knows that, respects that fact..."

"He didn't like me being here, not in the beginning, he didn't trust me. He warned me off, told me not to use Paddy, not to take advantage of his good nature, of his home, his salary. And I didn't, not intentionally, at least I don't think I..."

"You didn't." Jackson said with conviction. He'd had many a conversation with Paddy in Aaron's absence, he'd learnt a lot about both of them during those chats and knew the dynamics of the relationship, the true essence of the bond they'd formed. He knew there'd been a lot of giving on both sides. After allowing Aaron a little time for his words to sink in, he again wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in close, and just seconds later Aaron began talking again.

"I think Marlon was a bit jealous at first. Paddy went out of his way to spend time with me; I think he wanted to make sure I felt a part of his life, that I knew I was important in his life at least. Marlon got short shrift for a while. I don't think he really understood how or why Paddy could care about me, I don't think anyone could. They just saw this loud mouth thug when they looked at me... and that's what I was a lot of the time."

"Paddy knew it was all a front, a wall you'd built to keep out the hurt..."

"And to keep my secret in, to keep it where it was safe!"

"Yeah, that too," Jackson acknowledged gently as he pulled Aaron a little closer, he knew he was about to share a memory of another very painful time in his life.

"We sat out there, on the top of the stairs, both of us crying. He was bleeding, in pain because of what I'd done, but he wasn't crying because of that, he was crying because he thought he was losing me. I hated myself, for what I'd just admitted to being, but mostly for what I'd done to him. He told me he loved me, that he saw me as a son…but I still ran from him, I still left him sitting there on his own!"

"You came back..."

"I had nowhere else to go!"

"That wasn't the reason." They both knew better than that.

"No." No it wasn't. "He kept on phoning me, texting me, telling me to come home. Home! That one word, this place... it's all I'd ever wanted, a proper home. Somewhere I knew I was loved, where I knew I was wanted, where I wasn't in the way, where I wasn't a complication or an inconvenience. I finally had it and I'd run from it, I'd run from the man who'd given me a home, who'd made this place my home. Paddy kept saying everything would be alright, and I thought yeah… I'll make it alright. So I came back thinking I could live a lie, determined I would at all costs. I couldn't, though... I'd met you and what I felt for you was real, so real it scared me... terrified me. I just couldn't run from that, and I knew there was nowhere on earth I could hide from it. But then I realised that there was one way to escape it, one way to silence the truth…

"Paddy was there when I opened my eyes, he was the first person I saw. He brought me home from the hospital, he never left my side. Every bad day, every difficult day, every important day he was there for me... the day of the trial, my first day back at work ... he insisted on walking me there, like I was a kid who needed walking to school! And I let him.

"I was so angry with him before… just like I was that day we argued about me staying here, when me being here was just too much of a reminder of Chas. It felt like he'd turned his back on me, washed his hands of me when I'd done nothing wrong. But I couldn't run from the hurt this time, I knew it would only follow me… and I knew that he wouldn't come after me, that he couldn't this time… I'd never felt so alone."

"Aaron…"

"I don't feel that way now, Jackson, I know I've got you. You and Paddy are the best things that ever happened to me… and that's something else I never told him.

"I never told Paddy what he meant to me, how I felt about him. I left it too late. He always said you should learn from your mistakes, that way you don't go making the same ones all over again. That's why I'm not going to care for someone, love them, but hold back on telling them how I feel."

Jackson nodded his understanding, he was a little wary of speaking, he didn't want to put a stop to Aaron's openness.

"What you said before, well you were right, I do need you."

Jackson's heart lightened on hearing the admission.

"I care about you."

Aaron had looked him right in the eye on saying that, the warmth and sincerity he saw in the blue eyes reflected in his voice, "I know you do."

"This might not be the right time or the right place to say this but…"

Jackson was hanging on Aaron's every word now, had guessed what was coming, and the sudden, unexpected pause had caused his heart to miss a beat.

"I just want you to know I love you."

"And I love you," Jackson said through the smile now lighting up his face.

"I know you do." Like Paddy's, Jackson's words were never empty, and the last couple of days were proof of just how much he cared about him, how much he loved him. Aaron just wished it hadn't taken Paddy's death to open his eyes to what he had, to give him the courage needed to open his heart.

Jackson's lips gently caressed his, the kiss brief but filled with tenderness, with love, he nestled further into his arms, wanting to stay cocooned from the rest of the world.

But the world wasn't going to let him, someone was knocking on the front door.

"We don't have to answer it," Jackson said, he too wanted to hold onto their moment a little longer.

"No, but we should, I should." Aaron wiped at his face, at his eyes, he hadn't realised it but he'd been crying again.

Knowing Aaron wasn't ready to face anyone just yet, Jackson said, "I'll go."

Aaron stood in Paddy's bedroom doorway, wiping away another crop of tears; he was desperately trying to pull himself together so that he could follow Jackson downstairs, he couldn't let him do everything… he suddenly froze, he'd just realised who it was at the door. The caller's voice, although low and his words inaudible, Aaron had recognized him instantly… it was Adam!

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Meltdown

Part 7

Aaron had felt a surge of anger on hearing Adam's voice, but it wasn't directed at Adam, it was directed at himself. All the reflecting he'd done that morning had made him realise Paddy's death wasn't Adam's fault... that it wasn't anyone's fault. Jackson was right, he had needed to blame someone, he had needed a reason for why the unthinkable had happened. He supposed everyone asked that question when someone they loved died before their time, when their death was so unexpected.

So what did he do now, stay out of sight, hide away from what he'd done? Or did he face up to his mistake? He knew that was the right thing to do, he knew it was what Paddy would have expected him to do, Jackson too, but... he really didn't feel up to it right now.

It wasn't about him though, was it? It was about Adam, about the injustice done him.

The two men were still talking in the hallway, but Aaron knew the conversation wasn't likely to last much longer, that Adam could leave at any minute. He knew he couldn't let this opportunity to try and right a wrong slip him by, so he stepped out onto the landing, padding barefoot towards the stairs. When the voices fell silent, he knew they'd heard his approach.

He was more than a little wary of Adam's reaction, scared even, but not scared of Adam himself, just scared he wouldn't accept his apology, that their friendship was beyond repair. He wouldn't blame Adam if he never spoke to him ever again, if he wanted nothing more to do with him, that would be understandable after what he'd done... he just hoped Adam could forgive him in time.

Jackson had been surprised to see Adam, horrified on seeing the extensive bruising on his face; it sickened him to think Aaron was responsible for the injuries. The first words out of his mouth had been an apology, he felt sure he could have prevented the assault if he'd tried harder to get through to Aaron. He knew Aaron would at some point regret what he'd done, and he wanted to make sure Adam knew that. But Adam had shrugged off the apology, saying there was no need for one, that he understood Aaron's anger, knew where it was coming from.

Adam had just driven Paddy's car back from the farm. As he'd pressed the keys into Jackson's hand, he had told him that his intention had been to put them through the letterbox, but on reaching the front door had decided he should try and talk to Aaron, hoping he could put things right between them.

Jackson was moved by Adam's show of understanding, impressed by his maturity. Unfortunately, despite what had so recently taken place upstairs, he wasn't sure how Aaron viewed Adam now, if he was still angry with him, if he still blamed him. He didn't want them coming face to face if that was the case and he was in the middle of explaining his dilemma when he heard Aaron coming down the stairs.

It had proved a tense moment but one look at Aaron's face told Jackson that things had changed, that Aaron was seeing things differently, there was no anger, no hate to be seen, only remorse. But it was Adam who was first in with an apology...

"I'm sorry."

Jackson could see that Adam was fighting back tears, that he was trying to keep a hold of his emotions. Glancing at Aaron, it was obvious he was struggling to do the same.

The two young men were now facing each other, just a step apart.

"There was nothing we could do… we tried, we did all we could but..."

"I know you did." Aaron acknowledged, he didn't doubt that, "I was wrong, what I said... what I did to you was wrong and I'm sorry."

Just a heartbeat later, the two friends were wrapping their arms around each other, hugging each other tightly, crying freely.

It was an emotional scene and Jackson decided it was a private one too, so made his way to the living room. While Aaron and Adam talked, and he was sure they would once they regained their composure, he was going to make the phone call he'd earlier promised Aaron he would make.

/

Aaron knew Adam had made it easy for him, not purposefully, it hadn't been some grand gesture on his part, no, it had come right from the heart, and he now felt closer to Adam than ever before.

He was grateful to Jackson for giving them some space, for giving them the time they needed to talk. He knew his boyfriend had been far from idle during that time. Aaron had heard him on the phone, and he'd heard other voices too, and when Adam left, he went in search of him.

He'd found Jackson in Paddy's surgery, in the process of showing the locum vet around the premises. Knowing he was out of his depth where the veterinary practice was concerned, Jackson had had to ring Pearl, and between them, they had managed to orientate the locum to his surroundings and schedule, and had booked him a room over at the B&B.

On seeing him walk into the room, Pearl had started to cry and he'd found himself comforting her. Her tears had come as a much-needed reminder that he wasn't the only one grieving for Paddy, and it had also made him feel a little better about himself. He knew he'd handled things badly, that his behaviour so far was inexcusable, but he was back in control now, and was determined to make amends, determined to get his act together... to man up.

All in all, it had turned out to be a busy morning, lots of phone calls, lots of comings and goings. Aaron had been dreading seeing Cain, he hated the fact his uncle had witnessed last night's shenanigans but he'd determinedly held his gaze when apologising to him, wanting him to know that he really did regret his actions.

Cain's response had been a quietly made statement… "You're gonna have to learn to roll with the punches." It had taken a little while for the words to sink in, for him to absorb their meaning, for him to acknowledge that it was exactly what he needed to do. He wasn't a kid anymore, he couldn't flip out every time something bad happened, whenever something scared or hurt him. He had to accept, adapt, and move on… just like everyone else did.

/

They'd been told to be at the hospital for 2 o'clock. It seemed strange to be going there, Aaron associated hospitals with life, with the fight for life, not with death, not for when the battle was lost. Paddy hadn't even been sick, but because of the way he'd died, he'd been taken to Hotton General, his body wouldn't be released until the coroner gave his say so. Aaron didn't want to wait until then, he couldn't, he needed to see Paddy today.

The mortuary was at the rear of the hospital, in what, he guessed, was viewed as a quiet, secluded corner of a very busy place. He supposed it suited its purpose, provided some privacy, but he found it a cold, detached environment, he hated knowing Paddy was here all alone, like he was unloved, like he'd been abandoned.

Having arrived early, they had been asked to take a seat in the designated waiting room. There, he'd sank heavily onto a chair, his legs suddenly having turned to jelly.

"Aaron?" Jackson was concerned; his boyfriend had suddenly turned so very pale.

"I'm ok." He wasn't, he felt ill, even a little scared, he'd just realised that he'd never seen anyone dead before and he wasn't sure how he would react on seeing Paddy now, as much as he wanted to.

His unease grew with each passing minute and, sensing it, Jackson wrapped his arm around him, providing the reassurance he needed. He wasn't doing this alone, Jackson was by his side.

They were eventually taken through to the next room and it was just the three of them… Paddy, Jackson and him, just like it had been yesterday morning… only it wasn't the same, there was no chit-chat, no teasing… nothing he associated with Paddy.

He was a good few yards away from where Paddy was lying, and his feet were suddenly reluctant to carry him that short distance. His hesitation was soon apparent to Jackson who caught hold of his hand, just the encouragement he needed to take those last few steps.

His gaze settled on Paddy's face, and at first he was a little confused by what he saw. It was Paddy, but not the Paddy he remembered. Paddy had always been so full of life, incapable of staying still for long, a bundle of restless energy, animated… the man he saw now was so still… too still.

It was only visual proof of what he already knew but it had proved brutal, slamming into him, rocking him to his core…

"Paddy!" The name erupted from his lips, tears blinding him as it did so; he was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, the painful knot in his chest tightening unbearably. He let the tears fall, let his grief flow, all the time absorbing the warmth, the reassurance Jackson words and arms again offered.

When he was ready to speak, he reached for Paddy's hand, gently taking it in his. The iciness he felt took his breath away, he couldn't believe how cold he was. He shivered involuntary as another surge of emotion swept through him… Paddy had hated being cold.

He had to tell himself to get a grip, to stop being so stupid, that Paddy was unaware of such things now, that nothing and no one could hurt him anymore. That thought actually helped a little but then he remembered why he'd come, and he found himself wishing that Paddy could see him, hear him, feel the love he had for him.

"Do you want me to wait outside?"

Jackson's voice stirred him from his thoughts. He truly appreciated his boyfriend's sensitivity, but there was nothing he couldn't say in front of him, and having been at his side all through this, he wasn't going to ask him to take a step back now, "No, stay with me."

Aaron took a steadying breath, he was determined not to just blurt things out, getting it over with quickly, and then do another runner. No, he wanted to do this properly; he was going to take his time, make sure everything that needed saying was said. But there was so much he had to say… he didn't know where to start, how to start.

"It's me… Trouble!" Paddy had often said that should have been his middle name, not in a nasty way, not to put him down in anyway. Paddy had never done that, no, it had been yet another display of affection on Paddy's part.

"I need… want to thank you, for understanding, for being the voice of reason, for opening my eyes, for forgiving my mistakes, for never giving up on me, for loving me and being the father I wanted, the dad I so desperately needed." He had to pause, blinking back tears as he again fought to rein in his emotions.

"You don't have to worry about me anymore, I've got Jackson…you left me in good hands." Aaron found himself grinning at that comment, he could just imagine Paddy's response to it, he'd have teased him, made some joke, something that would have made him blush. Paddy had possessed a wicked sense of humour, but he'd not had one bad bone in his body, and if he did have a weakness, it was that he cared too much about things, about people… no, that wasn't a weakness, it was strength. It was what had helped save him from himself.

"I owe you so much, I know you never wanted anything in return for all you did for me, you just wanted me to be happy and I am… I'm just missing you badly right now.

"But don't worry…" He'd suddenly remembered what had been Paddy's last words to him, "I'll behave, I won't let you down, I'll make you proud, I promise."

There was just one more thing he needed to say but, before he did, he dropped a kiss on Paddy's forehead… a silent but love-filled goodbye.

The tears were falling again but he wasn't going to give in to them, not until he'd said the thing he knew would have meant the most to Paddy… "I love you Dad… I always will."

/

Jackson had woken up to find Aaron's side of the bed empty. He'd earlier fallen asleep in his arms, tearful but at last at peace with himself. He'd been exhausted and Jackson had no reason to think he wouldn't sleep until morning, but it was 3 a.m., so where was he? The bathroom and Paddy's bedroom were in darkness and downstairs looked to be too. A little anxious now, Jackson pulled on some clothes just in case he needed to go outside to look for him, and he then hurried down the stairs.

As he'd suspected, the kitchen was in darkness, and so was the living room, so he made his way out through the front door. But once outside, he could see the surgery light was on, so he retraced his steps then traipsed through the house, finding Aaron sitting on the examination table. He looked miles away, he certainly wasn't aware of his presence, not until he'd called his name for a second time.

"What you doing up?" Aaron asked, he hadn't woken him had he? He'd tried his best not to.

"I could ask you the same thing," Jackson replied, heaving himself up to sit beside Aaron.

"I woke up, just couldn't get back to sleep."

"Something on your mind?" It was a daft question, because something obviously was."

"I was just thinking about Tim, you know, the locum vet, how keen he was to start."

"And?"

"It just doesn't seem right, someone else in here, someone else running the place."

"Someone has too; a lot of people are reliant on this practice."

"Yeah, I know, but it's not going to be a temporary thing, is it, like when Paddy was ill or when he went away... it's going to be permanent, someone's going to have to take over the practice. It's a business and it's going to have to be sold... the house along with it."

Jackson hadn't thought that far ahead, he'd not thought past getting someone in to deal with the present day workload, of keeping Paddy's highly respected veterinary practice running. He certainly hadn't thought about how it would ultimately affect Aaron. This had been his home for the past three years, he knew what being here meant to him. If losing Paddy wasn't bad enough... he was going to lose his home too!

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Meltdown

Part 8

Jackson was surprised by how well Aaron seemed to be accepting the idea of having to leave the Smithy, his exact words being, "I'd have moved out eventually, left home like you did and got a place of my own."

Jackson couldn't argue with that, everyone flew the nest at some point and Aaron would have done too in time. That would have been through choice though, when he was ready to. Having to move out ... well, it was the last thing Aaron needed right now. It would be another emotional upheaval, another blow.

Of course, he'd soon realised it was all an act, that Aaron was putting on a brave face and as they sat there in the examination room, he decided to push him on it, "Aaron, you don't have to pretend it's ok, that you're ok with it. I know what The Smithy means to you, I know how much it's going to hurt you to leave."

Aaron shrugged, his head was all over the place again because of this most recent realisation but, he wasn't going to give in to his emotions, he'd promised himself he wouldn't, that he'd deal with things like a grown-up would. "Yeah, of course it's gonna hurt, and I'm not running from that hurt, Jackson, I feel it even now but, the sooner I start getting used to the idea, the better. When the day comes, it'll be a lot easier if I do."

"Yeah, I guess it will." Jackson understood Aaron's reasoning, it certainly made sense, still Aaron didn't have to be so stoic, he was a little too in control for his liking.

But it was late and he was just going to suggest they go back to bed when Aaron eased himself down off the examination table and started wandering around the room, opening drawers, picking various objects up and turning them over in his hands.

"I can just see Paddy now, standing here in them green things he used to wear... some helpless creature left in his care... a bit like I was." Aaron couldn't help but grin at the comparison he'd just made.

Jackson smiled, relieved that Aaron was now opening up.

"He never gave up on anything, big or small, they got the best of care. But if he thought something was suffering, he'd say so, he was tough when he needed to be, tough but not hard. He could get tough with me, I knew when he meant business, when to listen to him. He never talked at me or down to me... just to me... and he made it easy to talk to him. I used to come in here and even if he was in the middle of some procedure, he'd have time for me. He'd want to know about me, if I was alright, if anything was troubling me, if I needed anything. Sometimes, I'd come hoping to lend a fiver til payday, or because I'd had words with me mam... and sometimes I'd come just because I needed some reassurance... just to know that someone did actually care about me."

"This place holds a lot of memories for you doesn't it?"

"Yeah... but they're not all good ones, Jackson. Like that time I trashed the place. Clyde hurt and bleeding... being put to sleep. But maybe I can leave those ones behind when I leave?"

Jackson slipped off the table, walking over to where Aaron was now standing, wanting to comfort him, "Aaron..."

"Jackson, it's alright, I'm alright."

"But that's just it, you're not..."

"When do you think I'll have to move out?"

"I don't... "

"It won't be til after the funeral, but how soon after?"

"Aaron, you don't..."

"I'll have to sort out my stuff."

"Aaron!"

"I'll have to tidy the place up a bit. There's things that need doing... the bathroom door sticks..."

Jackson's concern grew, Aaron wasn't giving him chance to answer, he doubted he was even listening to him now.

"And that far room, it's full of junk... Paddy kept saying he'd take it to the tip but he never got around to it... I could do that tomorrow..."

"Aaron!" Jackson clasped hold of his boyfriend's arms, forcing him to look at him, to listen to him, "Aaron, you don't have to think about all this now, you need to give yourself some time to get your head around it, and you'll have that time so..."

"But I don't want to go. I don't want to leave here, Jackson!"

"I know," Jackson acknowledged softly, aware they were now inching closer to how Aaron was really feeling.

"I feel safe here... I always have, right from day one. I know that sounds stupid but..."

"No, it doesn't sound stupid at all, this is your home, it's where you found security, comfort, unconditional love ..."

"I'm scared."

"I know you are," Jackson soothed as he wrapped his arms around Aaron, he was relieved to see the facade, the bravado finally crumble. The Smithy had been a sanctuary, a place of safety, somewhere Aaron had always felt able to return to no matter what. "But you know you've got me..." He'd just had an idea, something that would hopefully reassure Aaron in some way, "You could move in with me." The flat he shared was on the small side and his flat mate liked his own space but... "Toby won't mind as long as it's on a temporary basis. It would at least give you some time to look for somewhere suitable." He'd had another thought, he wasn't sure about the timing of it though, "Or we could maybe look for somewhere we could move into together?"

"Together? As in live together?"

Aaron had pulled away from him, obviously taken aback by his suggestion, his timing was seemingly well out, "Yeah, well it was just an idea, obviously one you'll need some time to think about..."

"No."

"Ok, well, like I said, it was just an idea." He'd thought Aaron would give it a bit more thought than that before saying no.

"No, I meant I don't need to think about it, I think it's a great idea..."

"You do?" Was he hearing right?

"Yeah, and we've been more or less living together as it is, so yeah, why not?"

"Really?" Jackson beamed in delight although still not quite able to believe his ears.

"Yeah, and it's not just because of what I said before, you know, about me being scared. I mean that's scary too, isn't it, taking that step?"

"Yeah, it's a huge step to take," Jackson quietly agreed.

"But the right one," Aaron insisted as he leant in to kiss his boyfriend.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Meltdown

Part 9

Aaron had only ever been to one other funeral and that had been his grandfather's. It wasn't the normal kind of burial, it had been way out of the ordinary, and that was because it had been done the Dingle way. Shadrach had been laid to rest on Dingle land, with only family speaking over him, and tins of lager buried with him.

He hadn't known Shadrach all that well, so they hadn't been close; in fact, he hadn't liked him all that much, especially after finding out he was homophobic. Despite him apologising for the things he'd said and for the way he'd acted, Aaron hadn't been able to forgive him, and had only gone to the funeral on Jackson's insistence, who hadn't wanted him to have any regrets.

He might have Dingle blood running through his veins, but such traditions held no appeal to him. It just hadn't seemed right to him, burying someone that way, even though he knew it was what the old man had wanted.

He didn't know what Paddy had envisioned for his funeral, they'd never talked about such things, he didn't think Paddy would have given it much thought either. One thing he did know was that he'd wanted it to be worthy of him. Nothing over the top or fancy, Paddy would have hated a lot of fuss. No, he'd wanted it to be respectful and dignified, something that was a heartfelt tribute to a good and loving man, and now as he sat alone in Paddy's bedroom looking back over the day, he knew it had been just that.

The sun had shone all morning, and there had been just a hint of a breeze. Quite a nice day weather wise, perfect in fact. Aaron knew a rainy day would have made it a much more sombre occasion, and sombre in no way reflected Paddy's personality.

He'd had help planning things, had sought both Marlon and Pearl's advice. Marlon because he'd been Paddy's best mate, they were like brothers and it was only right that he had some say, that he would contribute in some way. As for Pearl... well, she'd been close to Paddy too, she'd mothered him, been protective of him. Pearl also knew a thingor two about such things; she'd buried a few loved ones of her own.

It had been Pearl's idea for Paddy to come home one last time. He knew the idea didn't sit well with a lot of people, that it creeped some out, but he'd liked the idea and so the coffin had been carried into the living room and had remained there overnight.

Ashley had held a small service here, just for close family and friends before setting off for the church.

Choosing pallbearers had been a bit of a headache, he and Marlon had both wanted to do it but Marlon's height made it impossible, so the two of them had decided to just walk into church together, leaving that honour to Jackson, Adam, Zak, Sam and Paddy's two cousins.

The church had been overflowing with people, proof of Paddy's standing in Emmerdale and the surrounding community; he had been well liked, well respected.

Everyone had said what a lovely service it was, he knew it had been an emotional one, it certainly had been for him, but he'd somehow held it together.

Marlon had given a reading and, to the surprise of a lot of people, he had said a few words too. He'd looked on the internet to find something suitable but, in the end, he'd left what he had written down tucked inside his pocket, speaking from his heart instead. His words had caused both his mam and Pearl to cry into their hankies, so it seemed he'd got what he'd wanted to say across.

It hadn't been easy standing up and speaking in front of all those people but, he'd done it knowing the hardest part was still to come.

He hadn't been able to hold back his tears at the graveside, but Jackson had been with him, had supported him through it.

Someone had suggested they hold the wake up at Home Farm, they catered for all manner of events, not just weddings. It might have been better if they had, considering the turn out, the mourners having to all squeeze into the Woolpack. Then again, the Wooly had been Paddy's local, he'd sunk many a pint in there, so no, he'd made the right choice in holding it at the pub.

There had been plenty of tears shed at the wake but there had been lots of laughter too, it had brought the day to a fitting end.

When people started to leave, they had all sought him out, and he'd thanked them for coming. He was more than ready to leave himself by then, was wanting to get home. He knew it wasn't going to be his home for much longer, but today it was the only place he wanted to be.

There were still things that needed doing, still things he needed to arrange, like a headstone; he was going into town tomorrow morning to pick one out. He had to be back here for one, Paddy's solicitor was coming here to detail the contents of his will. Marlon had arranged that, he hadn't even known Paddy had left a will. The information had surprised him. Well, Paddy wasn't all that old, and he hadn't been ill, so he can't have been expecting to die anytime soon. Of course, once he'd started to think about it, he'd soon realised that it was the sensible thing to do. If you owned property and a business, you had to think ahead, you had to be prepared for any eventuality... even your own death.

Marlon had told him that he had to be there, and he would be, he needed to know what was happening with the house, the practice, Paddy's things. He just hoped that they went to the right people... he didn't like the idea of Paddy's two ex-wives getting anything... they hadn't even come to the funeral. Marlon had expected Mandy to turn up, her being a Dingle, but no, she'd not shown her face, she'd not even sent flowers! Ok, so they were no longer married but she'd loved him once... how could she be so heartless?

He told himself not to think about her or the reading of the will anymore, he had no control over anything so there was no point worrying about it, it would be over soon enough.

And anyway, he'd come up here to Paddy's room so as to feel close to him, he'd done that a few times these last few days, this would be the last time, he knew today was all about letting go.

/

Marlon and Alan Turner were the named executors of Paddy's will, and they had been the first to arrive at The Smithy. Aaron had been expecting more people to show up, had thought Paddy's cousins would be there at least but no, the only other person to arrive was the solicitor.

After Marlon had made all necessary introductions, Jackson had excused himself, making for the living room, but Marlon had told him it was alright for him to stay. Aaron was relieved about that, and a little surprised since he hadn't expected things to be so informal.

There was a bit of legal bumff from John the solicitor, most of it going over Aaron's head. But then it was straight on to what had been Paddy's wishes, starting off with the smaller bequeaths, a sum of money each for Pearl and his mam... no surprises there, Aaron knew Paddy had still loved her. Paddy's cousins were to receive some cash too and then he heard his name... and he couldn't believe what was coming out of the solicitor's mouth…

Paddy had left just about everything to him, the gold watch... The Smithy... the list seemed to go on and on…

"No!" He didn't want it. He didn't deserve it and knowing that, he got to his feet and made for the door, ignoring all the pleas being made for him to come back.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Meltdown

Part 10

Aaron stared hard at the headstone, he wanted to make sure the inscription was correct, that the stonemason had got the wording right, that there was no misspelling, he wouldn't settle for anything less than perfect and that included its positioning. It looked straight and after walking around it, viewing it from every angle, he heaved an appreciative sigh. It wasn't anything fancy but then it wasn't plain either, he'd wanted something with character, with a touch of class, and the gold lettering set against the black marble fitted the bill exactly.

It was three months now since Paddy had died and in that time he had more or less come to terms with what he'd lost... and what he'd gained.

The Smithy was his, so was any and all the money left from Paddy's life insurance policy and the sale of the veterinary practice, although that was all now secured in a trust fund, one Paddy had stipulated couldn't be touched until he turned 21.

He hadn't wanted any of it at first, he really hadn't, it was just too much. He'd have been happy just to have received the gold watch. It was a family heirloom, had been passed down through the generations, from father to son. It was because of that sentiment that it meant so very much to him.

He'd been overwhelmed by it all at the time and had fled the room, Jackson following him. He hadn't gone far, just here, just to Paddy's grave. He'd asked Jackson, "Why? Why did he do that?" Jackson's answer had been a simple one, "You know why."

Of course he did but still he didn't feel worthy of it all.

They'd eventually made their way back up to the house. By then the solicitor and Alan had left, but Marlon had been waiting for him, had made him sit down, wanting to share with him a conversation he'd had with Paddy.

It seemed Paddy had amended his will just after he'd come out to him. That day had made Paddy realise just what he was to him, what they were to each other. Paddy worried about him, especially about what would happen to him if he suddenly wasn't around. Paddy had wanted to make sure he had a roof over his head, and that the place he saw as home stayed his home for as long as he wanted it to. He hadn't expected him to keep the practice on, knew it could easily be partitioned off from the house and then run as a separate going concern. As for the money, Paddy hoped he would use it to set up a business of his own, or buy into one, and had told Marlon he knew he would use it wisely.

Paddy hadn't done it on some whim, he'd thought it all through and had made a point of discussing it with Marlon. He hadn't expected anyone to contest the will, but he had wanted Marlon to have answers ready should someone dare question it. Marlon had smiled at him on saying, "I don't think it ever occurred to Paddy that you might question it."

He'd smiled at that comment too, but then a thought had struck him and he'd asked, "Didn't you question it?" He knew how close Marlon and Paddy were, and that Marlon hadn't liked or understood his and Paddy's relationship back then, he couldn't believe he hadn't tried to talk Paddy out of making him his heir. Marlon had given him a straight answer…

"Of course I did, I didn't want him doing something he might just regret and we thrashed it out. But it was what he wanted, Aaron, and in the time since, I've realised he was right about you and to do what he did. I know he'll be resting easy now."

That had seemed an odd thing to say but the more he'd thought about it, the more he understood what Marlon meant by it.

After some time alone with his thoughts, he'd gone in search of Jackson, there was something he'd wanted to ask him. He'd already known what the answer would be, that Jackson would move into The Smithy with him.

So now he had just about everything he could possible want, he had Jackson in his life, they were happy and looking forward to sharing in the future together. As he rested his hand on the top of the marble stone, he felt a tear trickle down his cheek... falling for the one thing missing in his life...Paddy, his dad.

End


End file.
